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back to school, broken heart, brokenhearted, Death metal, going back to school in your 40’s, law school, Lincoln, lost love, LSAT, LSAT Study, Nontraditional applicant, Nontraditional law school applicant, older applicant, older student, rejected, sad, Studying for the LSAT
In July it will be two years since Lincoln and I broke up, after six years together. There was a tepid reconciliation in November of the same year, and then there was a holding pattern of uncertainty until about July the following year. So in some respects it’s been almost two years, and in other respects it’s been less than a year. It sort of depends on what PR spin you want to put on it. You could emphasize the Desperate Spinster angle by saying, “It’s been two years and she’s not over it.” Or you could offer up some compassion and say, “Oh darling it’s been less than a year; it’s understandable that you’re still in pain.” Either way, Lincoln is not in pain. Lincoln moved on two years ago I guess. I don’t really know his inner-most thoughts on the matter because he doesn’t talk to me. I think he doesn’t like me very much—again, I don’t know. There’s a lot of backstory, and there’s the whole high school melodrama angle of “I said this and then he said that and then I emailed him this and then he replied that.” But basically we split mutually, in July 2010. I had feelings for someone else, someone I thought would be a better partner for me—I had snobbish, critical thoughts about Lincoln. Then, after the mutual parting, I took responsibility for all the things that I had done to ruin my relationship with Lincoln—let’s say I had epiphanies. And I knew I had made a mistake. I wanted him back. I was dedicated to making our life everything that it had never been, but that Lincoln had wanted from me. He had always wanted me more than I wanted him, and that made me feel safe. I thought he would never be able to hurt me. It’s so funny now! I mean it’s hilarious—I thought he could never hurt me, and now as it turns out, he’s the only one who could ever really hurt me because he’s the only one who really ever loved me and who I ever really loved. It wasn’t one of the world’s greatest love affairs, but it was real love. What a commodity. To have wasted it… What hubris. If you ever know real love—and I don’t mean the quickened pulse of passion, usually derived from a must-have/can’t-have situation—just simple love, if you ever have that, don’t think it’s so easily replaced. There’s always going to be someone that you have more in common with, someone more glamorous or sexy—whatever that means to you. You could spend eternity looking for your ultimate match, but it’s not worth it. Knowing what I know now, I would just stop when I found love, real love. I mean, think about it, would you trade your mother for one you “had more in common with?” Would you give up your child because “there could be a better one around the corner?” Sounds silly when you put it in that light, but every day, people leave their spouses and significant others for such commonplace reasons, just tossing love aside. Always thinking, “It will be better with someone else,” never realizing it will be better when you’re better. That’s how it strikes me now.
Anyway, I wanted him back, he said yes, then he changed his mind, and now I think he resents spending the six years with me that he did, like it was a waste of time. I feel relegated to the place of footnote in his universe, while in mine, he has advanced to the position of “the only one for me.” The irony is palpable, and at least its humor offers some comfort.
But time stands still where he is concerned, and I am forever loving him and being rejected by him in the same moment, like a stasis of agony (that is the name of my new death metal band by the way, Stasis of Agony—we totally rock).
So that’s where I am—stuck in the past, but determined to move forward. I spend most of my time studying for the LSAT and working, and I hope at some point to move beyond this pain, but I secretly hope for a miracle reconciliation—shh, don’t tell anyone I said that—I’m supposed to be stoic and determined to “forget about him.” Now you know my secret, something I suspect that not even Lincoln knows…
I would love to know your thoughts. Has your heart ever been broken? Do you secretly desire someone from afar? Do you think I’m full of BS? Would you like to seriously discuss death metal? I want to know! 🙂
nontraditionalapplicant.wordpress.com 
This has a lot of parallels with something in my own past. I find it funny how time doesn’t hold too much weight when it comes to affairs of the heart. 6 months, 6 years, 6 days, its never long enough and it can wring your insides just as bad.
Yea! My first comment! 🙂
Yes, I know what you mean. In fact, you wrote something that I read earlier that expresses that idea: http://todaytomorrowgone.wordpress.com/2012/05/03/until-the-world-falls-away/. I really liked that.
But it’s funny, when I was younger, it hurt a lot, but I moved on much quicker, always looking for “what’s next.” But having loved someone for six years, as an adult, it seems much harder to move forward into present time–it’s like a member of my family is gone…
But I must say that starting this blog, and just writing about it is very cathartic. It might seem like I am a very sad person, but really I’m just taking the sadness out of me, and putting in the blog, so that I can heal. It’s nice to be in communication with others too.